You can't stand under my Umbrella ella ella eh eh eh

(Photo: Shady area before umbrella thief)

Illustrious News would like to paint a portrait for you of all the terrible misdeeds that drag down and begrudge our otherwise wholesome society. Regretfully, we are out of paints, so the above reproduction will have to do (more photos after the break).

In a stagnant trend that is spreading at snail speed across middle class suburban shanty towns in North Eastern San Diego county, many rambunctious youngsters are finding pleasure developing a kleptomaniacal  habit of collecting over sized patio umbrellas. The habit is thought by experts to be fueled by the desire for shade in an otherwise very sunny town. The shady culprits' deeds have clouded their productive minds and stolen all ambition to play video games and eat pizza. Those industries are preparing to ramp down production and brace for impact.

(Photo: The bustling crossroads of 4S Ranch)