2010 Word That Wasn't

Illustrious News is reporting on a word--new a word that was proposed, but overlooked by the fine people at Merrian Webster's Unabridged mash-up of words that white people use. This article contains the rejected entry.

garbage flop (noun) - 1.Similar to a belly flop, this maneuver is done while diving into a dumpster that is at least half full, if it is less than half-full please see: face plant.

While I was visiting a small subcityary of San Diego, frequented by freegins, I was asked to kick off their nightly outing with a garbage flop into a luscious green W.M. dumpster.

You can't stand under my Umbrella ella ella eh eh eh

(Photo: Shady area before umbrella thief)

Illustrious News would like to paint a portrait for you of all the terrible misdeeds that drag down and begrudge our otherwise wholesome society. Regretfully, we are out of paints, so the above reproduction will have to do (more photos after the break).

In a stagnant trend that is spreading at snail speed across middle class suburban shanty towns in North Eastern San Diego county, many rambunctious youngsters are finding pleasure developing a kleptomaniacal  habit of collecting over sized patio umbrellas. The habit is thought by experts to be fueled by the desire for shade in an otherwise very sunny town. The shady culprits' deeds have clouded their productive minds and stolen all ambition to play video games and eat pizza. Those industries are preparing to ramp down production and brace for impact.

2nd Runner Up in T-shirt Making Contest

(picture submitted by anonymous) 

After a long break, Illustrious News is Back! Illustrious 

News has been very busy lately with the visit of self-proclaimed illustrious visitors, but more on that some other time. 

Illustrious News recently started and ended a t-shirt making contest, for which only one entry was accidentally received. That entry both witty and boring, was just barely beaten out for first runner up by a completely plain white t-shirt (not pictured). First place, of course, is reserved until a more worthy design appears. The plain white t-shirt is predicted to sell out quite quickly, while "Everybody makes mistakes" will most certainly fall by the wayside. 

Shoe can do it!

Ever find yourself thinking, "Why can't my shoe do that?" Or maybe, your walking around some place, and say to your shoe, "Remember that time I forgot to put on my boots, and we walked through all those puddles, and you were like squish squash, squish squash every time we took a step?" If your anything like us, you can play remember when with your shoes till the cows come home, but who has time for that?
So imagine this, a brand new technology, so new, that it hasn't even made it to the cocktail napkin that it gets scribbled on before it makes it to the drawing board, but its floating around, up there, among the miasma, and the idea is: (drum roll please) a pair of shoes that are pre-programed with the sounds of your favorite memories, be it, the squish squash of soppy wetness, or the brustling of grass as you run through a field, or the squeak sound of a professional basketball player on a freshly waxed court, or the shuffling of feet after a long and exhausting day. Any of this may be just a button's push away with "The Every Shoe" (idea patented, but not really).
If you are reading this and thinking huh?, then maybe this completely unnecessary elaboration will help: the shoe, "The Every Shoe" will have a button that turns on and replicates the wearers' preselected sounds with every step they take. So if you're walking to work, but dreaming of shooting hoops, you can make that dream a little more of a reality, with "The Every Shoe." Get it now, it's simple.
The folks at Illustrious News are acting fast to pitch the idea to nobody, who is sure to turn it down in a snap.

Update from The Editor 08/11/10

My shoe sang this to me the other day: "don't shoe wish your girlfriend was hot like me...don't shoe, don't shoe baby don't shoe..."

The Last Place in The World to Wonder

Illustrious News here reporting from the aforementioned location of the last place to ponder. Given the horribly efficient state of technology, in this day, the ability to ponder has all but been eliminated. Streaming fast and piping hot information is just flowing from every electronic orifice, including your butthole. This place where we are reporting from may make you so curious that you try to look it up on google, watch a video about it on youtube, then falsify a wiki about it on wikipedia and when you do this, this place will disappear and no one at all will mourn its death but someone might ponder its being, yet not for very long.

Mother nature strikes back, this time, with clouds

Illustrious News would like to wish you a good morrow.

Now on to the news. Today's topic is weather and whether or not you know it, Mother Nature is fighting back. It's her little way of giving you the flipitty flop for picking daisies and not driving a Prius and its a big ol' cloud in your face on an otherwise beautiful sunny day. This nuisance can be bothersome. And many people have just stopped going outside all together. 

Digging a hole to East Asia

(Photo: East Asia, cells rooms available for rent)

  Illustrious News would like to bring you an article of some very suspicious and uncomfortable happenings of the completion of a tunnel hole to East Asia. This act, that many thought was too boring and pointless to complete, is done.With all the new technology bringing the world closer and closer together, this group of holey poeple say that they did not stage this as a testiment to globalization, but instead they were looking for some change that had dropped out of their pocket in the sand, and decided to keep on it.

Caption Contest! Post in comments!

International Date Line or not

(Photo: Kiritimati on a perpetual Sunday mid-afternoon)

  Illustrious News would like to update our previous post about the International Date line, but we don't want you to have to scroll all the way down there to see it. 
  When we last left Kiritimati Island the 'naners were talking slowly over cool fruity beverages about the goings on of a line that begins and ends a day on earth, but over much deliberation they decided that this line was not a line at all because a line would continue indefinitely in both directions. This was very perplexing, so they agreed to do away with the line all together, which made them even more perplexed and so they decided to take a rest.